The aftermath

Burying a child is easier than living daily without her.  At least that is my experience, if you could even imagine that.

Abby's wake and funeral were beautiful.  If perfection exists, it did those two days.  We knew we wanted to celebrate Abby's life and since we have three small children we wanted to honor Abby in a way that they could understand and be a part of.  So we decided to have balloons as a theme.

We scrambled planning for what was the most difficult event of our lives.  Even though we knew that there was a significant chance that Abby wouldn't survive, I couldn't focus on that.  I lived in the small chance of her making it.  And I really believed she would.  Having surgical difficulties was not expected.  My poor little angel.  I can't imagine the pain and suffering she endured.  I am so glad she's not suffering anymore.  But I do miss her.  Waking up each morning is like re-living that dreadful day.  I sleep with a minnie mouse that my mom gave her; in some small way it gives me comfort.

Many friends and family gathered around Abby at her wake.  There were beautiful flowers and balloons.  We played our sleepy Baby Jesus lullaby music.  The children were so curious and would visit with Abby multiple times.  Many of our family members didn't get the chance to meet Abby, only a small few.  Our children were and are still amazing about the whole thing.  They are very 'matter-of'-fact' about Abby dying.  They touched her and spoke to her.  They see us cry and mourn her and in their own way they mourn too.  Our friends brought their children to say goodbye which I loved. The energy in the room was peaceful and calm.

The funeral was amazing.  So peaceful and calm also.  Our priest from our old parish, Father Dennis, surprised us and gave the funeral with our new priest, Father Houston.  Apparently they are friends!  It meant the world to me to have Father Dennis there.  He baptized Lily and Lucas and I knew it was God's way of telling us that everything will be okay. I haven't seen Father Dennis since we both left our parish almost two years ago.  I hold a special place in my heart for him.  Abby was baptized at Brigham & Women's five minutes after she was born.  I had a c-section and could not directly witness it.  But I could hear the priest whisper the blessings and that was enough for me.  We couldn't have Abby's god parents there nor were there ceremonial mementos available to remind us of that day.  But as part of her funeral, we received a baptism candle and baptism cloth to remind us of her baptism.  Special, very special.

Abby's reflection by my sister-in-law and brother-in-law was written and spoken magically.  The music gave me strength.  I sing in the choir but took a little sabbatical since being pregnant.  I couldn't even sing a note near the end of my pregnancy at mass.  I think it is partly because my lungs were squished into oblivion and also because I didn't have the heart.  But somehow I got my breath long enough to sing for Abby.  I felt joy singing God's praise again.  It is definitely my way of showing my love to God.  Freddie the Leaf.  A book written for children about death.  I highly recommend it.  Silent Night.  A lullaby we sing to our children each night before going to sleep.  Abby heard me sing it every night as she was inside of me and I wanted it sung for her one last time.

The cemetery.  Very powerful.  As we drove to the cemetery I saw an employee from the funeral home holding Abby's 23 balloons with conviction and strength!  23 balloons to represent the 23 short days of her life.  It was a boisterous gusty day.  He was so intent on not letting them go.  When we arrived, Father Houston gave a small prayer to conclude her blessings.  Then the man gave Roberto the balloons.  As the five of us held the balloons, I let my children know that Abby will be shining upon us always and if we ever needed her, to simply pray to her.  Then we counted down and let the balloons go.  They were scooped up by the wind instantly and all of a sudden one balloon let go from the rest of the pack.  My mom shouted "THERE SHE GOES!!"  It was breathtaking.  Everyone there believes that the single balloon in some way was Abby.

We had a lunch afterward back at the hall.  I'm so glad we did.  We danced, we cried and some of us made amends.  Some of Abby's many fruits.  We danced to "Somewhere over the rainbow" in Abby's honor.  It was the perfect way to end her celebration.