Thursday, September 5, 2013

Rainbow Baby!

Rainbow baby.  That's what they call a baby after the death of a previous baby.  Well we are expecting ours this December!  Yes, I am pregnant!  We are expecting a boy, Andrew, and will have him the end of December, which means only four months to go.

I've been wanting to write this post for sometime, but have been making excuses in my head not to.  I fear that people will think that just because we are expecting Andrew that he will replace the love we have for Abby.  So far from the truth and no one has given me that feeling, but the fear  exists within me nonetheless.

Andrew is healthy!  Doctor says he's measuring 2 weeks ahead and called him a football player....UHOH!  This was great news for me since Abby always measured small during the office visits.

The energy in our home is a nice break.  We are all happy and excited about Andrew's arrival.  I am feeling the urge to 'nest' as they say.  I never had that opportunity with Abby.  I wanted to wait and see what would happen.  The only nesting we had with Abby was buying her a cute infant car seat after she was born.  It stayed in the box in the van the whole time we had it and returned it following her death.  Can you imagine?  It's what we needed to do at that time.  This time will be different.

The kids are thrilled!  They came to the ultrasound with us to find out the gender.  They held up well waiting almost 45 minutes!  Lucas was so so happy it was a boy!  He says he can't wait for Andrew to be old enough to share a room, since he doesn't like being alone and wants a roommate.  I am sure that won't last long.  Hahahah! They helped in selecting his name, Andrew John.  It's a fun family activity selecting the name of the next human being to enter our home!  Last Fall, I painted the spare bedroom a dark blue secretly hoping that if I ever receive the blessing again, that it was a boy.   I'm so happy my wishes came true!    I love the idea of raising two girls and two boys.  When we are out in public, of course people we don't know us that well will comment about how nice it will be to have two girls and two boys.  Well Emilia doesn't let that slide and will correct them....saying "no, its three girls and two boys" which I will then have to explain what she means.  Sometimes I'm up for it and sometimes I'm not.  Each situation is different, which means I'm different when I think about it.  In the early stages of my grief I wanted the world to know about my sweet little darling but I'm okay with not sharing her with everyone.  But the funny thing is, is when I open up, it gives people the chance to be comfortable to share their experiences with me.  Their losses.  Their sadness.  And I'm better equipped to respond with compassion and love.  

Being pregnant with a sub baby is emotional.  I often ask the universe why couldn't we just keep Abby?  Why couldn't she stay?  Did we make the right choices for her?  Did we miss something?

Grieving the death of a baby and embracing the life of a new one exists in a parallel universe.  My grief and excitement exist independently of each other.   I'm glad for this because I am clear in my happiness for Andrew, not having the expectations that he will replace our little Abby.

The song "Somewhere over the rainbow" is very special to me.  It was played at our luncheon after Abby's funeral and we danced and cried as we had to enter this new journey called grief.  As I listen to it today I imagine Abby on the rainbow waving to Andrew as he is choosing Roberto and I as his parents and guiding him through his new life!  She will make a remarkable big sister as Emilia, Lucas and Lily will be!!