Thursday, October 18, 2012

Hidden Gifts

I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post.  I was just telling Roberto today how uninspired I have been about posting.  Mostly due to the fluctuation in my feelings.  One day I can wake up and feel acceptance and peace and want to embrace life for what it is.  Then the next day I can wake up and feel intense sadness and despair.  My feelings are not continuous yet so it would be strange for me post my highs one day and lows the next and be all over the place.  But then I realized that, isn’t this normal?  And so, yes, yes it is.  It is my truth.  So I accept the emotional roller coaster for what it is and will express what I am feeling if I need to and not worry if my readers think I am nuts!  Don't worry, I already know I am!!

So I would like to share where I am at today...

Finding gifts within my pain and my struggles has been my latest mission. 

I attended a party this past weekend, and was catching up with some friends that I hadn’t seen in a while and was sharing my experiences from the past year.  And I realized that while telling ‘my story’, I am harboring ill feelings still toward my High Risk OBGYN.  If there is anyone who I am still at internal odds with, it is her.  I am hurting still from that experience.  I thought I let it go, but I guess not if I am still sharing the events that took place.  I told my friend that I am more upset with this woman, than I am at the surgeon who was responsible for Abby’s life!  Does this make any sense?  I realize that it kinda does.  I found closure with Abby’s surgeon and medical team.  They respected our family and our decisions and they accepted responsibility for what happened to Abby.  But I did not find closure from my OBGYN.  I don’t want to be the story, to replay the old tapes.  I want to let it go!!  So I feel like I need to write this in order to embrace life and move forward…

Dear Dr. Greene,

I am embracing life as best as I can with what I have today.  Today I have found a gift within my struggles. 

I want to own my end of our doctor-patient relationship.  I cannot change what has happened and I fully accept that.  I was an emotional pregnant mama and you were just being you.  I am not a victim, even though that is how I felt.  I am a mother who wanted the best for her baby.  From this moment forward, I will embrace my experience!!  I now fully realize that because of our experience together, that I ended up where God wanted me to be all along, with Abby at Children’s Hospital.  We were meant to be in those circumstances together to fulfill His greater plan.  For this gift, I am eternally grateful to you for doing his work, whether we realized it or not.

And with that said, I forgive you!

Aimee B.

Whether my doctor ever reads this letter or not, it doesn’t matter.  Forgiveness is about my freedom, my own liberation.  It is not about making her feel better, but it is about making me feel better.  And I do!!