Friday, November 30, 2012

Remembering with Prayer

To obtain a glimpse of solace, I contacted my mom's group to share an idea I had.  I went out on a limb as I do when I write here on my blog and  I asked them to send me names of loved ones that have passed away, whether recent or long ago and that I will pray for those people and the ones left behind to mourn their absence.  I wasn't sure how I was going to accumulate the names but I thought I would do so here.  It makes sense.  I plan to pray daily for all of us throughout Christmas and am honored that you give me the ability to do so.

If you would like me to add anyone, please feel free to leave names in the comment or send me an email if you have my address and I will be happy to add your loved ones to the list and to pray for you.  May God Bless us all and wrap his arms around us and carry us through this Christmas season.
  1. Abigail Rose Bachman - lived only 23 days, died March 22, 2012
  2. Richard Beaton - a husband, my dad, a brother, friend and son who died too young. 52 yrs old
  3. Raelene Beaton - my cousin who died at a very young age of 26
  4. Lilian Beaton
  5. Corey Walters
  6. Uncle Tommy and Uncle Bill
  7. Nan and Gramps, Gramps J and Gramps B
  8. Baby Marie Eugenia and Baby Christina
  9. Baby Boy, and uncle I never met, born still some 46 years ago
  10. Greg Heyward, 34 years old, father of 2 beautiful girls
  11. Grandpa and Grandma McLaughlin
  12. Grandma Ordway
  13. Grandpa Maglier
  14. Jimmy Fanning
  15. Sam Sullivan
  16. Aunt Bev Anania
  17. Doug Burwick, my friend's dad who passed very recently. This will be a hard Christmas for this family.
  18. Erin Roderick, my friend's little girl who passed away at just 4 to cancer. My friend struggles with this all year, and especially at Christmas. 
  19. Danny Vandyke who died on October 31, 1999.
  20. Helen and George Slattery
  21. Constance and Herbert Howard. 
  22. Caroline Slattery who died on July 4, 2012
  23. Grandma Irene
  24. Two preemies of an auntie
  25. Kai Rezendes 9-5-10 to 11-27-12  (www.kaisfightclub.org)
  26. Nancy's mother and aunt
  27. A.D.MacLeod
  28. Marie Facey
  29. A father and his son, Faceys
  30. Charlie Russell
  31. Charlie ?
  32. Cara Leblanc Kelly
  33. Anna Mary
  34. Eric Cechetto and Antoinette Yafallo
  35. Eleanor Bradshaw
  36. Sharon, an aunt who passed away from breast cancer
  37. Joe
  38. Ed
  39. Karen
  40. Charlotte Bacon, 6
  41. Daniel Barden, 7
  42. Rachel Davino, 29
  43. Olivia Engel, 6
  44. Josephine Gay, 7
  45. Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
  46. Dylan Hockley, 6
  47. Dawn Hochsprung, 47
  48. Madeline Hsu, 6
  49. Catherine Hubbard, 6
  50. Chase Kowalski, 7
  51. Jesse Lewis, 6
  52. James Mattioli, 6
  53. Grace McDonnell, 7
  54. Anne Marie Murphy, 52
  55. Emilie Parker, 6
  56. Jack Pinto, 6
  57. Noah Pozner, 6
  58. Caroline Previdi, 6
  59. Jessica Rekos, 6
  60. Avielle Richman, 6
  61. Lauren Rousseau, 30
  62. Mary Sherlach, 56
  63. Victoria Soto, 27
  64. Benjamin Wheeler, 6
  65. Allison Wyatt, 6

Silent Night

Silent Night is a lullaby I sing to all of my children.  When I sing to them, I am also singing to her.  They can't go to sleep without it and I love to sing it!!

Silent Night has so many places in my heart.  I sang it to Abby the night before she died.  I also sang it to her when I had to let her body go and give it to her amazing NICU doctor, Dr. Culic.  I don't know where the strength came from but I pulled it off somehow.

I requested Silent Night to be sung at her funeral.  I always admired the woman who sang at her funeral, Janice.  The intensity and feeling that I felt that day through her music is indescribable.  I bet that's how heaven sounds.  The most beautiful day of my life was that day.  I told myself that I was going to be present for each and every moment, to breathe it all in and to sing with praise.  I hadn't been able to sing much during the pregnancy.  Looking back, I think it was a combination of road block and lack of wind.  But that day I managed and am so very pleased.

I enjoy singing.  I didn't know how well I could actually sing until I joined a choir a few years ago.  I took a break when I was pregnant but not only joined back but became a cantor as well.  I am totally going outside of my comfort zone.  My knees buckle and I get nervous but I am doing it!  I have to coach myself each time and tell myself that I am going to be okay.  It is nerve racking to say the least.  I try to dedicate my music to God and tell him that this is for him and for Abby.

My new friend Janice, gave me a very special gift and I want to share it with you.  This  was in response to my Fire post yesterday.  Thank you Janice for your thoughtfulness and beauty.  I haven't had the heart to put on Christmas music yet or to plan our festivities for decorating.  Bu this was an amazing surprise to receive over a night of not being able to sleep....

http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/b86c3cdd2

Recipe for Raw Grief

I can't sleep. That's not like me but I'm not feeling well so I decided to surf.  I came upon this recipe:

::::::::::Becoming::::::::::: Recipe for Raw Grief

Pretty well sums up where I am at on a platter...this is how grief feels.  It is how I felt in the early weeks of Abby's passing and with Christmas coming, this recipe has made it's way back into my mixing bowl again...

Thank you to the author.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

Fire

When a parent loses an infant, he or she feels the intense loss the deepest because we were the very few who were blessed to be able to bond and connect with her.  And for our family, only a small handful of relationships were created with Abby, so I am sure it is difficult for others to actually "miss" her now when bonding hadn't taken place to begin with. So right now Roberto and I face this unfair intensity alone. So lonely.  I'm sure our family and friends think of Abby.  And only a handful will actually share their thoughts or experiences.  Logically, I can justify this and try to talk my way out of it, to be understanding of others.  But emotionally I am on fire!!!  Why do I need to be understanding of others, shouldn't it be the other way around???  

I am finding myself being resentful at those who I would expect to have the most compassion and understanding of  Abby's passing over Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays, but are failing my expectations.  My therapist's calm voice rings in my ears, "do not expect anything from anyone".  No expectations.  I get that nobody owes me anything.  But how can I not?  I am a mother who's child died and this is our first year celebrating Christmas without our baby. Our family is incomplete.  I am on fire. My emotions are unstable.  And that is my truth.

Christmas.  I love Christmas.  I love the music, the carols, the church choir, the cookie baking, the shopping, oh do I love the shopping!  I love the Bachman Christmas Eve Party.  I love Christmas morning, watching the kids open their presents and be oh sooo happy with their new toys!  The hype!  The thrill!  I love celebrating "Baby Jesus' Birthday" with the kids!  We have birthday cake and blow out candles!  :)  It is such a nice time of year.......

I want all of that again this year, but I have a road block and it is called grief.  I would love so very much to be jolly and joyous but I would have to fake that and I'm not in the mood to fake it.  I will do my very best to give my kids the experience that they so very well deserve.  But the all the jingle bells and whistles will be cut dramatically.   We need to take care of ourselves and be realistic.  Not to mention, we are headed to Nova Scotia for Christmas this year.  What a blessing!  It's been eight years since I spent Christmas with my family, so this is a big deal.  This is perfect timing, because I can forgive myself of the little extras that we usually do since we won't be around.  A nice distraction.

If one was to ask me "what do you need?"  "How can we help you?"  "What can I do to support you?"  My reply would be, "I haven't the slightest idea".  It's not something that I can articulate.  But I can say this,

Please don't forget Abby over Christmas

Please think of her and how sweet and angelic she was, and how she affected your lives.  Please do something to honor her this Christmas season.  Whatever your heart tells you or guides you to do, please listen to it.  Because these little acts of honor and kindness help me keep her alive, even though she is and always will be "in the arms of an angel'.














Thursday, November 1, 2012

Halloween

This years Halloween was tough.  I did not want to participate.  I did not want to deny my children the joys and smiles of trick or treating yet I did not want to deny myself the hidden pain and hurt that I so felt.  I really had a difficult time.  I felt so much anger and resentment and I didn't realize where or why I was feeling this but then I finally tuned into it.  I missed Abby and a piece of my own soul was missing.  My child should have been with us, collecting candy, getting dressed up in cute costumes, smiling and giggling.  I didn't expect to feel this way, it took me by surprise, but yet why wouldn't I?  My child wasn't present for a highly anticipated fun family activity.

Once we started trick or treating with some friends and I saw the smiles on my kids' faces, I started to come around.  They were so excited, as any child is on Halloween.   Emilia dressed as a spider fairy, Lucas a knight and Lily, hmmm...what was Lily?  I borrowed a minnie mouse costume from a friend for her but she didn't want anything to do with it.  She preferred a short sleeve red Christmas dress that was hanging in her closet.  So on a trip to Target, I spotted a pair of wings and asked her if she wanted to wear that with the dress and she was super happy.  Soooo, what was she?  Hmmm..not sure but she looked adorable!

On the way home from the night's festivities, Lily asked if we could go to Abby's grave.  8:30pm and a three year old is asking to go to her sister's grave.  This isn't an unusual request, since the kids frequently ask.  It was just the timing of her request.  And she was begging to go.  It wasn't a one time ask, she asked at least 20 times, and I'm not exaggerating!  Roberto felt that it was Abby speaking through Lily, telling us that she is with us in spirit and that even though she's not with us physically, she is still with us and wishing us a Happy Halloween.  I soooo needed this finale to the day.  So we did it.  We woke up Lily when we arrived and left Emilia and Lucas sleeping.  It was completely dark and we visited Abby's grave on Halloween.  A perfect ending to a rocky day.....Sounds strange?  Maybe for most but not for us.