Halloween

This years Halloween was tough.  I did not want to participate.  I did not want to deny my children the joys and smiles of trick or treating yet I did not want to deny myself the hidden pain and hurt that I so felt.  I really had a difficult time.  I felt so much anger and resentment and I didn't realize where or why I was feeling this but then I finally tuned into it.  I missed Abby and a piece of my own soul was missing.  My child should have been with us, collecting candy, getting dressed up in cute costumes, smiling and giggling.  I didn't expect to feel this way, it took me by surprise, but yet why wouldn't I?  My child wasn't present for a highly anticipated fun family activity.

Once we started trick or treating with some friends and I saw the smiles on my kids' faces, I started to come around.  They were so excited, as any child is on Halloween.   Emilia dressed as a spider fairy, Lucas a knight and Lily, hmmm...what was Lily?  I borrowed a minnie mouse costume from a friend for her but she didn't want anything to do with it.  She preferred a short sleeve red Christmas dress that was hanging in her closet.  So on a trip to Target, I spotted a pair of wings and asked her if she wanted to wear that with the dress and she was super happy.  Soooo, what was she?  Hmmm..not sure but she looked adorable!

On the way home from the night's festivities, Lily asked if we could go to Abby's grave.  8:30pm and a three year old is asking to go to her sister's grave.  This isn't an unusual request, since the kids frequently ask.  It was just the timing of her request.  And she was begging to go.  It wasn't a one time ask, she asked at least 20 times, and I'm not exaggerating!  Roberto felt that it was Abby speaking through Lily, telling us that she is with us in spirit and that even though she's not with us physically, she is still with us and wishing us a Happy Halloween.  I soooo needed this finale to the day.  So we did it.  We woke up Lily when we arrived and left Emilia and Lucas sleeping.  It was completely dark and we visited Abby's grave on Halloween.  A perfect ending to a rocky day.....Sounds strange?  Maybe for most but not for us.