Do you remember our last talk the night before your surgery? I do. So vividly. It amazes me really and I will never forget it. I explained to you that you were going to have a very important surgery. A tracheostomy. I further explained to you that you needed it and that it would help you to breathe. I then told you whatever happens during your surgery was between you and God and that I will trust in Jesus. I sang my favorite lullaby to you, Silent Night. Then I kissed your forehead over and over and laid you down for the night. That was the last time I held you in my arms.
Prior to the day of the surgery, I had such anxiety, mostly due to fear of the unknown. My worries were never ending it seemed. But the day of the surgery I felt such peace. As we walked in the NICU, we saw your tracheostomy supplies and a doll with a tracheostomy to show us what a baby would look like. I picked up that doll and I wasn't afraid. I was actually excited to be here finally. A chance to take you home.
Before the doctors whisked you away, we had Father Bob come to your bedside to pray with us. I wept. I wept for joy. Joy that this was the beginning of you finally coming home! You left the NICU at 10:45 am and you never returned.
While I had peace those last hours of your life, your dad was like a wild beast! We switched roles that day. I am usually the impatient one, worried about everything while your dad worries about nothing... but not that time. He knew something wasn't right when we weren't receiving updates from the liaison nurse. I told him to relax that everything was going to be okay. I wish I was right.
Abby, never did it occur to me that you would chose eternal life over the life that I wanted for you. I wanted you to come home with a tracheostomy. I wanted you with me and your family. But God wanted you in his home with his holy family and you chose perfectly. I am so proud of you Abby. So proud that you chose God.
But, I have to admit, it is extremely difficult for me to comprehend all of this. My understanding and acceptance glides back and forth. I keep telling myself "I don't understand. I don't get it". With everything that I have been through; the initial diagnosis, the transfer of my care to B&W at 37 weeks, and then your arrival. All wonderful successes. And then this? It makes no sense when I think of myself but perfect sense when I think of you and how difficult it must have been for you to choose what you did. You brave little rosebud. I can't imagine what it is like for any child to grow up with all of the complexities that CD would invite. And here you were, given the chance to escape that! And you did.
As I cry as the days go on, I try to remind myself, "she chose this". Somehow, I believe that you knew what was happening even though you were only three weeks old. Somehow, you knew that your time on earth was limited. You had such a significant presence about you.
As I look back on the day you left me, I imagine you entering the gates of heaven with song and dance and glory!! I imagine that you went running straight into Jesus' arms. It gives me joy and comfort knowing that you are in heaven. My baby, pure and free from sin. My baby, who I used to pray for morning, day and night...I now pray to.
I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss singing to you. I miss smelling you. I miss everything about you.
Love,
Your Mommy
But, I have to admit, it is extremely difficult for me to comprehend all of this. My understanding and acceptance glides back and forth. I keep telling myself "I don't understand. I don't get it". With everything that I have been through; the initial diagnosis, the transfer of my care to B&W at 37 weeks, and then your arrival. All wonderful successes. And then this? It makes no sense when I think of myself but perfect sense when I think of you and how difficult it must have been for you to choose what you did. You brave little rosebud. I can't imagine what it is like for any child to grow up with all of the complexities that CD would invite. And here you were, given the chance to escape that! And you did.
As I cry as the days go on, I try to remind myself, "she chose this". Somehow, I believe that you knew what was happening even though you were only three weeks old. Somehow, you knew that your time on earth was limited. You had such a significant presence about you.
As I look back on the day you left me, I imagine you entering the gates of heaven with song and dance and glory!! I imagine that you went running straight into Jesus' arms. It gives me joy and comfort knowing that you are in heaven. My baby, pure and free from sin. My baby, who I used to pray for morning, day and night...I now pray to.
I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss singing to you. I miss smelling you. I miss everything about you.
Love,
Your Mommy
Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Thinking of you and your angel. XO
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