My Lion was March 22nd. Abby's Heaven Date. Most of March 2013 was extremely painful. So many moments. So many memories re-lived. From the date of her birth to the day she flew into heaven, it was a very tumultuous storm. Some days I forced myself out of bed wanting to stay in it. I would lie there for thirty minutes to an hour praying and remembering, sobbing and holding her little onesie that I sleep with. This little onesie is the last piece of clothing that was on her little body when I had to let her body go and give her to her doctor for the very last time..... When I did get out of bed, I did the bare minimum around the house. Laundry when I absolutely had to. I didn't go grocery shopping. I didn't cook for almost two weeks as Roberto often came home to cereal. The kids were bouncing off the walls, mostly bored. I could barely breathe.....
During March, I remembered her life with me. And I did alot of wishing. I was so mixed and torn. I was greatful to have had three weeks with her. Greatful that the kids were able to meet her. Greatful to have been able to hold and sing to her. But I was also feeling jipped. Jipped of a future lost.
March 22nd. Her Heaven Date. Roberto took the day off. To honor Little Miss Abby, we visited the cemetery and lit a candle for her on her table. Roberto's niece, Melissa, came over and my in-laws, Roberto's sister, Marie & Dave brought dinner. That meant the world to me and Roberto. It was a nice distraction, since the day was so terribly difficult. I did not have the heart to 'celebrate' her Heaven Date. I just didn't feel like it was worth 'celebrating'. There is nothing about that day that I want to ever be joyous about. And I couldn't wait for it to be over......
The 'dreadful' day that all parents dread came for us and passed. When I woke up on the 23rd, I was relieved. Sooooo relieved. The heaviness in my heart and fog somewhat lifted and I was able to breathe. Since then, I can hear Spring blooming. I can hear the birds chirping outside. I can enjoy my kids' and their amazing smiles again.
My Lamb was Easter. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (Last Easter was just downright awful, since it was only two weeks following Abby's death). But this year it was a nice surprise to be okay. My prayers the night before Easter Day, I prayed to have the energy to get thru the day. I asked God to give me the strength. I just couldn't do it by myself.
And my prayers were answered. Easter morning, we woke up and had our traditional egg hunt (indoors mind you!). It is easier and warmer with little ones. The kids received their Easter baskets left for them by the Easter Bunny (sssssh). They all ate their candies and chocolate along with a piece of fruit and were ready to attend the 8am mass!
I prepared a ham, potato salad and macaroni and cheese! All from scratch, all of which that I made. Pats on the back to me. I know, it doesn't sound that fabulous, but all the kids ate it and all the adults ate it and there weren't much leftovers, so by my book, it was a hit!
We embraced Easter with a sense of peace. And even though I didn't have Abby to share it with, it was one of my most favorite holidays. And that says alot for me right now, since I find it difficult to 'stop and smell the roses'. But look at those roses above. How can I not smile?
I am wishing you a Blessed Easter Monday. (I am Canadian after all!).