Merry Christmas

December 30th is the official date when Emilia, Lucas, Lily and Abby will become a big sister/big brother.  That of course if Andrew waits until my scheduled c-section!   (I'm sure he will!)

There is a lot of hustle and bustle in our home these days.  Our Christmas decorations are up, Christmas cards are mailed.  Most of the shopping is complete and we are as ready as we can be for Andrew.  Lily is walking around with diapers on her teddy bear and takes her bear for walks in the car seat.  It's hysterical!  Abby's grave is decorated and so is Freddie's Tree.  (If you were at her funeral you would remember the book "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf".  Well I nicknamed the tree behind her grave as Freddie's Tree.)  

On the outside, I am holding up and am told I am glowing.  I must admit, I do look pretty good for being 36 weeks pregnant!  wink. wink.

Physically,  I am ready to have this baby.  Emotionally I am terrified of the unknown.  I keep telling myself, "this baby better come home" when we do something to prepare for his arrival.  It is always mixed emotions.  Happy and scared seem to fit the bill.  It's unfair, having these thoughts and I just do my best to keep moving forward and to remember all of the blessings in our lives.  We are all healthy.  The kids are happy and Roberto and I are doing well.  We have friends, family, and community supporting and praying for us.   But no matter how much gratitude I have for  all of these gifts, I still have my wishes.....

I wish I had Abby here to wrap Christmas presents for.  I wonder what would she look like.  What size would she be wearing since she was such a peanut.  I wonder what it would be like to bring her to Mass or to the grocery store.  Or if we even could do that with her disabilities?  She would be about 22 months old now.  We are all missing out on so much with Abby's absence and lately I just  MISS Abby.  This is new for me.  My sadness has evolved.....Have you ever missed something so bad and you know that whatever that is it is permanently gone?  And that you can never get it back? 

As my heart misses, it co-exists with excitement and joy.  Joy for Andrew and joy for my living children.  They are going to get to experience the wonders of having their baby come home.  Words don't come easily when one of them expresses concern and worry if this baby will come home or die. As a parent we have to think on our feet for answers to their never ending questions and that is one question that I cannot easily answer. I just try to reassure them and flatly say, "that won't happen". Period.  I try to be convincing but because of our experience, we wonder.... How can we not? 

I do believe deep in my heart that Andrew will come home.  He will be loved and cuddled and man handled by little tiny fingers and we can't wait.  He will be kissed and hugged and will get annoyed with all of the attention but he will just have to get used to that!  :)  

For our Christmas cards this year, we got a little more creative and had some professional pictures taken.  To honor and include Abby, we wore our signature family color, purple and included our little Minnie Mouse that belonged to Abby in the hospital.  It continues to float around the house and it brings smiles when it appears just at the right time.

Merry Christmas!