The morning of December 30th couldn't come quickly enough. It had been a long nine months and my body was on its last toll. Going to bed the night of the 29th was both liberating and terrifying at the same time. I didn't sleep well. I was feeling scared. I was feeling excitement. And I was overwhelmed. Not to mention I was having strong Braxton Hicks contractions and I was very uncomfortable.
Flashbacks were strong for both Roberto and I. Even though the drive to the hospital at 6am was uneventful, we were reminded of our journey with Abigail mile by mile. Very different circumstances but the trauma re-surfaced as we approached the hospital and embraced Andrew's birth. Luckily, I am transparent with Abby's story and had no problem expressing my feelings with my doctors and nurses. I am blessed that they received our story with empathy, compassion and understanding. They held us as we met our little boy and I am so grateful for that. Apparently, our story touched their hearts as well and they cried as we cried as we met Andrew for the first time...
Tears of joy streamed down mine and Roberto's eyes as we laid our eyes on Andrew for the first time. 8lbs, 13oz and 21 inches long, he was here. He was finally here. As soon as I laid my eyes on him, I saw Abby in him. He looked just like Abby looked when she came into the world almost 23 months ago. His looks today are very different but I will never forget his resemblance of his sister the first few moments of his life.
Fast forward to today, Andrew turns one month old tomorrow. His sister Abby lived for 23 days. My time with her seems so distant and extremely short. I have said it before and I will say it again, I miss my Abby. Having Andrew here opens old wounds and reminds me of what was lost with his sister. The late night feedings. The cuddles. The cries and baby coos. The diaper changes. The lack of sleep. The love. The bonding. All unfairly taken away...
And in contrast, having Andrew here I am bewildered that he's been here that long!! We are all in awe and in love with this little human being. His brother is the proudest of him. His sisters cannot kiss him enough. They all fight over who will hold him next! My kids have been through so much with losing their sister. I told them when they met Andrew that he is their baby too! They deserve this experience just as much as we do!
I have much gratitude for my husband, family, friends and community for their love and support for our family. We have been gifted with meals, laundry duties, cleaning, grocery shopping, visits, transportation and baby gifts. Recovering from a c-section has its challenges with multiple children and I am so fortunate to be able to rest and heal and just be this time around. Looking back with Abby, I was doing way too much and wasn't able to rest and heal and it set me back tremendously so it is a relief to be able to do so this time around.
I can't believe that Abby's 2nd birthday in Heaven is coming up in one month and her anniversary in two months. Last year, for her first birthday in Heaven, we had a wonderful, large celebration but we have decided to keep it small and simple this year. We are not sure how we will honour Abby but I am certain it will be memorable!
I know I don't write much on Abby's blog any more. Sometimes it is challenging conjuring up the energy to write the same tune....Missing Abby. Andrew and his wonders will never replace the sense of loss and missing that we feel for Abby just as our older children couldn't possibly. If anything, these new glorious experiences can somehow intensify it. However, I feel fortunate to be able to walk the parallel roads of 'missing' and 'joy' at the same time. My aunt recently said to me that 'my world is back on its axis'. I will take it a step further and say that it is on a 'new axis' and one that I am so blessed to embrace.
