Our first Easter has passed. Our first Halloween. Our first Thanksgiving. First Christmas. And now we are approaching Abby's FIRST birthday. It's quickly coming. I can't deny it. Time doesn't allow me to.
I wish Abby was here with me to celebrate her First Birthday! What a celebration that would be.
Instead, we will celebrate Abby's first birthday, but in a special sort of way. We are having a Remembrance Day for her. To honor her life and to reflect on our experience. To dedicate a whole day to Abby! It brings me solace knowing that we can do this for her and for ourselves. We need this and are grateful for our families and friends to spend the day with us. I am trying to balance what to expect out of the day. I am trying to keep a positive vibe on it and am am looking forward to it. I choose to embrace her birthday rather then be afraid of it. But I am a little hesitant. We've never done this before. Grief is unpredictable. I can't predict how I will feel that day or how Roberto will feel. I read somewhere recently that grief is like a mudslide. Just when you think you are reaching the top, you slide back down and start all over! I don't know what emotions or feelings will come up. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Relief. I dunno. But I vow to be true to myself and not worry about it. If I need to cry, cry I shall.....
At Abby's Day, we will have sledding, a balloon release, cake and appetizers. The kids are super excited to have a party! I want it to be fun and cheerful for them! They think it is awesome and ask daily when Abby's birthday is. They are special kids. They've been through alot and I am so grateful for their smiles and laughter. If it wasn't for my kids and Roberto, I don't know where I would be. I love my family.
I wish I could hold Abby and snuggle with her. I wish I could show her off to the world. I wish I could be that mom to bring her to mass and have everyone have their eyes on her. I wish I could see what she would look like. I wish I could smell her. I wish I could sing to her. I wish I could read to her. I wish I could see how happy the kids would be around her! I wish I could kiss her. I wish I could take pictures of her and post them on face book and email them to friends and family. I wish I could witness her birthdays. First Communion. First Day of School. First tooth loss. So many wishes.....
Emilia created the rainbow above. I scanned it and used it as our invitation for Abby's Day. Rainbows will be the theme this year. Rainbows have significance for us! We danced to "Somewhere over the Rainbow" at Abby's funeral. Sounds upbeat for a funeral? It wasn't. It was peaceful and beautiful. Abby knows I love to dance and my SIL made the tribute for her. It was the contemporary version and I listen to it all the time. Also, my grandfather passed away last spring. One of his last words he spoke was to my aunt and he gave her a toast as he sipped on some wine. "Here's to you, over the rainbow, it's time to go". He passed away that night.... I know Abby and Gramps are together! Rainbows have such a powerful meaning to me.
There is a plaque on my kitchen wall that says it perfectly and I will leave with the quote:
"No rain, No Rainbows"
hey aimee,
ReplyDeletei can related to you there. i often wonder what it would have been like if my older sister had lived. what it would have been like to have an older sister pave the way, to help me with milestones growing up. to hang out with. i think i would have liked it. and i know my brother would have liked having a sister around that was closer to his age.
i hope we can help you honor and remember abby and give you a day to look back on and smile. i look forward to coming.
-carla =)