Eleven Months

Today marks eleven months since Abby left the physical world.....my world.... and joined Jesus and so many of my loved ones.  

I've tucked my memories of the day of Abby's passing away.  Protected them.  I didn't have the heart to write them down.  Makes it seem surreal.  Like as if this isn't really my life.  

I'm not ready to write pieces of my memories.  But will I ever be ready?

Eleven months ago I was standing in my kitchen with Roberto, our kids and our niece.  We woke up, showered and were getting ready to leave for the hospital.  Minutes before us leaving, we decided to gather around in a circle, hold hands and pray.  We prayed for Abby.  As a family.  For our family.  Roberto and I got in the car and off we went.  Back on the Masspike.  To this day, whenever I need to drive on the Masspike I wish I was driving to the hospital to see her. 

That morning, I was anxious but relieved.  Excited even.  Finally we were moving forward.  It is tough having a child in a hospital.  Waiting to hear back from doctors and nurses about your baby and the decisions that need to be made.  Having no control really.  Depending on so many people.  Strangers.  Relying on their every word, hoping that the decisions that we agree on are the 'right' decisions.  Begging them to feed her.  They were so concerned that she would inhale the formula into her lungs that they gave her only teaspoons at a time.  The poor thing.  She was starving and I felt helpless as her mother.  They assured me that she was fine but I didn't believe them.  But I felt as though I had no choice.  They were the experts and had to let go and trust them.   

But we had hope.  The surgery was our ticket to going home.  ALL we needed to do was give her the surgery to save her life, recover, go to rehab, learn all of her cares and get educated, align her home care and medical staff and voila!  Our baby can come home! Life can get back to normal, a new normal. 

I didn't think it was possible to have a multitude of emotions all at the same time.  I have peace and anger, frustration and sadness all mingled and mixed like ingredients in a cake batter.  I am the result of a new recipe.  A new version of myself.  Sigh.....

"Faith, Hope and Love" and the greatest of these is love.

My faith has not been tested.  I speak to God daily.  I am as open and transparent as I possibly can be.  I do have my struggles though.  Especially when it comes to my anger.  It is known that anger is a stage of grief.  But I wanted so badly to just skip that stage and be in the acceptance and peace mode.  Well eleven months later I can finally say that yes, I am angry and have the courage to acknowledge this to God and at times at him also.  I am told he can handle that.  I've learned of many people being so angry and upset with him that they stopped all contact whatsoever.  I can't do that.  I need him too much. 

When I was working for an agency that assists adult individuals with developmental disabilities, I felt purpose.  I loved my job.  When we found out about Abby's condition, I resigned.  I sacrificed a job that I absolutely loved for the love of my daughter.  I felt as though I had a bigger purpose.  To have a child with disabilities of my own.  When the doctors gave us the rundown of her deformities, they also mentioned the possibility of developmental disabilities.  Didn't even go on my radar of concern.  I knew I would love her regardless.  I credit my experiences with my job and the people I worked with and the care that they gave.  I had so much hope when I left my job in January.  But then, on 3/22 and like a child blowing out a birthday candle, 'whoooo', my hope was blown away.  I am looking forward to the day when I can light that candle again and it stay lit.....

Love.  Unconditional love.  Being in the baby loss club, I am meeting people on line and in local support groups.  Baby loss includes misscarriages, stillborns, perinatal loss and terminated losses.  All devastating.  All very sad and traumatic.  Everyone's story is personal and unique.  No loss is greater than another.  This isn't Grief Olympics.  But I can now see and embrace what you all see in me.  Unconditional love for Abby.  We chose Abby.  We chose life!!  We chose to honor her and her life with a celebration.  We respected her life.  We gave her dignity.  And we still do.  She was a daughter of God the moment she was conceived and will remain my baby for all eternity.  I am not proud.  I am a just a mother.  A good mother.  And would do it again if God asked me to. 

Please continue to pray for us.  February 28th is her first birthday.  March 2nd is our Remembrance Day Celebration.  See the previous post for details!  March 22nd is her first anniversary.  We will get through this.  Please continue to wrap your loving arms around us and please don't let us go......