I started to write a new post to express
grief reactions but came across this well written poem and it is almost
perfect! This explains how we as grieving parents can be supported by our family
and friends. Grieving parents 'get' this, without a doubt. But most parents aren't
grieving, and those who are wouldn't want you to be.
I have to admit, I am growing weary of the things that people say to me, don't say to me, do and
don't do. Roberto can relate to half of my complaints! The other half, not so much! But I know it is said and done out of not
knowing what to say or do because things can be uncomfortable or awkward or
they just want to make me feel better.
A hug or saying that you
don't know what to say is a much more welcomed response. Please please know that I love you all. And out of love, I need to share this. For us. For you and for me.
Unless you’ve lost a child…
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just
unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural
order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those
closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are
thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief cannot be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you
share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't
really mean anyway.
Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our
feelings.
Do let us cry.
Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are a very lonely
and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.
Original version was written by Mary Cleckley, Atlanta, GA ~
~ Revised by Wendy Lockman ~
Before you leave, I'd also like to add some
additional thoughts:
Please don't tell me "I don't know how you do it". It feels like an empty cliche.
Please don't tell me "I don't know how you do it". It feels like an empty cliche.
Please don't say "I wouldn't be able to get out
of bed if it were me". Another empty cliche.
There’s the lovely expression, “if you
can’t say anything nice, then don’t say it at all”.
And Please don’t tell me I have other
children to take care of. I wish I was taking care of all four of them.
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